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George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

 

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

 

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

 

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

 

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

 

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

 

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

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A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

 

Mum replies, "No, dear, she's in heat."

 

What does that mean?" asked the child.

 

Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

 

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat

and to come to you."

 

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

 

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

 

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

 

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

 

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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various questions (I stole them all- from Stephen Wright, probably).

the last one is my favorite.

 

 

 

can you cry under water?

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered

assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

 

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for

your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried

in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a

good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like

every two hours?

 

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to

look at things on the ground?

 

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss

America?

 

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you

naked anyway.

 

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

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You can try another one

 

 

(Remark: Hu Jintao is the new leader of Chinas communistic party, Yassir Arafat: PLO, Kofi Annan: UN Secretary General.)

 

 

 

George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

 

Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

 

George: Great. Lay it on me.

 

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

 

George: That's what I want to know.

 

Condi: That's what I'am telling you.

 

George: Thats what I'am asking you. Who is the leader of China?

 

Condi: Yes.

 

George: I mean the fellows name.

 

Condi: Hu

 

George: The guy in China.

 

Condi: Hu.

 

George: The new leader of China.

 

Condi: Hu!

 

George: The Chinaman!!!

 

Condi: Hu is leading China.

 

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

 

Condi: I'am telling you Hu is leading China.

 

George: Well, I'am asking you. Who is leading China?

 

Condi: That's the man's name.

 

George: That's who's name?

 

Condi: Yes.

 

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the leader of China?

 

Condi: Yes Sir.

 

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thougth he was in the Middle East.

 

Condi: That's correct.

 

George: Then, who is in China?

 

Condi: Yes Sir.

 

George: Yassir is in China?

 

Condi: No, Sir.

 

George: Then who is?

 

Condi: Yes Sir.

 

George: Yassir?

 

Condi: No, Sir.

 

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the UN on the phone.

 

Condi: Kofi?

 

George: No, thanks.

 

Condi: You want Kofi?

 

George: No.

 

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

 

George: No. But now that you mention it, i could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN.

 

Condi: Yes, Sir.

 

George: No Yassir! The guy at the UN.

 

Condi: Kofi?

 

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

 

Condi: An call who?

 

George: Who is the guy at the UN?

 

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

 

George: Will you stay out of China?!

 

Condi: Yes, Sir.

 

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN.

 

Codi: Kofi.

 

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone! (C. picks up the phone.)

 

Condi: Rice here.

 

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

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(Remark: Hu Jintao is the new leader of Chinas communistic party, Yassir Arafat: PLO, Kofi Annan: UN Secretary General.)

 

 

 

George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

 

Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

 

George: Great. Lay it on me.

 

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

 

George: That's what I want to know.

 

Condi: That's what I'am telling you.

.....................

 

 

c008.gifc008.gif Good one.....

 

Well that deserves an answer....

 

"How do we know that Adam and Eve were not Chinese ? ".....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If they were chinese , they wouldn't eat the apple.......

 

 

 

 

They would eat the snake !!! "

 

 

:drink:

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Q: "What's the difference between an American and yoghurt"?

 

A: "Eventually yoghurt will grow a culture......."

 

Before you call a fatwah on me I must point out that I heard it from an American (who then again got it from a Brit, of course...)

 

S

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Bathroom humor:

 

 

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE JOKE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

- Mens room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY

 

NO MATTER HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS, SOME OTHER GUY IS SICK AND TIRED OF

PUTTING UP WITH HER SHIT.

- Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

 

IF YOU CAN PISS THIS HIGH, JOIN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

- on the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 ft.

O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland Oregon

 

BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY

- Perkins Library. Duke University

 

I'VE DECIDED THAT TO RAISE MY GRADES I MUST LOWER MY STANDARDS.

- Houghton Library, Harvard University.

 

IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN LET'S ALL GET

WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

- Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.

 

IF BUSH WERE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, HE'D SAY WE WERE STOPPING FOR ICE.

-Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia

 

REMEMBER, IT'S NOT, "HOW HIGH ARE YOU?" IT'S "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

- Rest Stop off Route 81, West Virginia

 

BEWARE OF LIMBO DANCERS

- On the bottom of the stall door, Women's bathroom, Broad Ripple Brew

Pub, Indianapolis

 

GOD MADE POT, MAN MADE BEER. WHO DO YOU TRUST.

- The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

 

IT'S HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

- written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, AZ

 

MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. HELL DO BOTH, GET MARRIED.

-Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

 

IF VOTING COULD REALLY CHANGE THINGS, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

- Revolution Books, NY

 

A WOMAN'S RULE OF THUMB, IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

TROUBLE WITH IT.

- Women's restroom, Dallas, TX

 

JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD HAVE INVESTED.

- Mens restroom, American University

 

JUST 'CAUSE IT'S CLEAN DON'T MEAN IT'S FRESH.

- Port-O'-John's, Acadia Nat'l Park, Maine

 

IF PRO IS OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS? CONGRESS.

- Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.

 

BILL CLINTON THREW UP HERE.

- The Oyster Bar. Little Rock, AK

 

I USED TO BE INTO NECROPHILIA AND BEASTIALITY....BUT THEN I REALIZED I WAS

JUST KICKING A DEAD HORSE.

- The Cellar Restaurant, VA

 

IF IT WASN'T INTENDED TO BE EATEN, IT WOULDN'T BE SHAPED LIKE A TACO.

- Nathan's, Washington, D.C.

 

HEY NIKE, I JUST DID IT.

- Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

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The names have been changed to protect the guilty in the following:

 

A rookie New Jersey cop pulled Snake over for speeding and Burro recorded the following exchange:

 

 

 

Rookie Cop: May I see your driver's license?

 

 

 

Snake: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 

 

 

Rookie Cop: May I see the registration for this motorcycle?

 

 

 

Snake: It's not my bike. I stole it.

 

 

 

Rookie Cop: This motorcycle is stolen?

 

 

 

Snake: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's registration in the saddle bag when I was putting a unregistered .357 magnum in there.

 

 

 

Rookie Cop: There's a gun in the saddle bag?

 

 

 

Snake: Yes sir. Right saddlebag, a gun and the left saddlebag has a big bag of dope.

 

 

 

Rookie Cop: You're sayin' you got an illegal firearm AND drugs in those saddlebags?!?!?

 

 

 

Snake: Yes, sir.

 

 

 

Hearing this, the Rookie Cop immediately called his captain. Snake and the scoot were quickly surrounded by the entire Newton P.D., and the captain approached Snake to handle the tense situation:

 

 

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 

 

 

Snake: Sure. Here it is.

 

 

 

It was valid.

 

 

 

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

 

 

 

Snake: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.

 

 

 

It was his Goldwing.

 

 

 

Captain: Could you slowly open your right saddlebag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 

 

 

Snake: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

 

 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the right saddlebag.

 

 

 

Captain: Would you mind opening your left saddlebag? I was told you said there's a big bag of drugs in it.

 

 

 

Snake: No problem.

 

 

 

Left saddlebag is opened; no drugs.

 

 

 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the bike, had a gun & drugs in the saddle bags!

 

 

 

Snake: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

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