Jokes

[Guzzi2Go]

Kevin Bloody Wilson

[Van]

MAKE SOMETHING IDIOT PROOF,

...AND SOMEONE WILL JUST INVENT A BETTER IDIOT...

Cheers

Van

[Dan M]

A day late on this one...

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little rascal, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Ralph Werner]

OK - we would all like to see Mrs. O'Conners breast on the hooters thread!!

 

Then we can decide what kind of a weapon it really is.

[Guzzi2Go]

OK - we would all like to see Mrs. O'Conners breast on the hooters thread!!

 

Then we can decide what kind of a weapon it really is.

Most likely a blunt instrument...

[grossohc]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official,

'You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,

where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied...

 

'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt,

plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing;

all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

 

'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[John O'Sullivan]

THREE BLACK MEN

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring

at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted

three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the

figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

 

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble

interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for

over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of

black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

 

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink

willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression

experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

 

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,

"Would you like to know what the painting is really about"?

 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of

the gallery"? asked the couple.

 

"Because I'm the guy who painted it", he replied.

 

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three

Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

[Turpin Crock]

Here are the top 10 winners in the

International Pun Contest:

 

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

Allowed per passenger."

 

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other

And says... "Dam!"

 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in

The craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't

Have your kayak and heat it too.

 

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The

Other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a

Root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were

Standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After

About an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to

Disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I

Can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them

Goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family

In Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of

Himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

Her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband

Responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they

Opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked

To buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought

The competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,

But they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They

Ignored him. So,

The rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious

Thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and

Trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist

Friars.

 

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also

Ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he

Suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD,

it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

Friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

Laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Guzzi2Go]

11. Are you a piece of string? No, I am afraid not.

[Richard]

Oh God, this is getting painful!

[Ralph Werner]

Oh God, this is getting painful!

....said the window washer.

[raz]

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

 

[Van]

HOME EXERCISE

start by holding a 5 lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold for as long as you can.

try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks move up to a 10 lb potato sack in each hand,

repete the exercise,

Move up to a 50 lb potato sack and then eventually to a 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms staight for more than a minute.

(l'm at this level)

 

 

 

 

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of those sacks

Cheers

Van

[Van]

Recently I was asked to run a marathon....................

 

 

At first I said , 'Naaaaahhh!'

 

 

Then they said to me........." come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids." !!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Then I thought..........

 

 

 

 

 

Shit.....I could win this.........!!!!!

 

Cheers

Van