Jokes

[joe camarda]

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS...

 

A man comes from work one day, turns on the TV and flops down in his favorite comfortable chair and throws his feet up. He says to his wife "Quick, get me a beer before it starts". She looks a little puzzled but brings him his beer. He drinks the beer and says to her, "Quick, get me another beer, its gonna start". She is a little irritated but does as he asks. He quickly drinks this one also and then says to her "Quick, its gonna start any minute. Get me another beer".

 

The wife throws up her hands and yells..."You lazy ape, you come home and order me around getting beers for your lazy ass. Don't you know I stay home all day, cleaning up after you and the kids, mopping floors, cooking dinners and doing all the work around this damn house".

 

The man quietly sighs and says..."Oh shit... its started."

[tikkanen]

A picture says more than thousand words....... © wulffmorgenthaler.com

 

Cruel and rude

 

Sorry, treehuggers

 

Søren

[Guzzi2Go]

What's wrong on this one:

 

Germany - European Football Championship 2008

[twhitaker]

Futbol Funnies...

 

After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."

 

"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

 

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

 

***

 

An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.

 

After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'

 

'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'

 

'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'

 

'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'

 

***

 

The top scorer of a Premier League team was tragically killed in a car accident. Seeing an opportunity for glory, the reserve striker went to see the manager.

 

"How about me taking his place?" he asked.

 

"Well, I'm not sure about that," said the manager, "we'll have to speak to the undertaker first."

 

***

 

The Devil was constantly challenging St Peter to a game of soccer, but St Peter refused, until one day while walking around' heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the 'pearly gates'.

 

"I think I'll arrange to play that soccer game," said St Peter to the Devil. "We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team."

 

"You'll lose, you'll lose!" taunted the Devil. "What makes you so sure we'll lose?" enquired St Peter. "Because," laughed the Devil, "we have all the referees down here."

 

***

 

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

 

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

 

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

[dabore84]

How can you make a blind person claustrophobic?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put his stick into a bucket

[st. augustine]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

 

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

[pasotibbs]

New Words for 2008

 

*SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

 

*TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

 

*BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

project failed, and who was responsible.

 

*SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

screwed and die.

 

*SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

with the kids or start a 'home business'.

 

*SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

 

*AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

 

*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get itto work again.

 

*ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and

file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless

paperwork and processes.

 

*404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not

Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

 

*AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

*OH-NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just

made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

 

*GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

 

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who

works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges

displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show

their level of training.

 

*MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from

the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

 

*MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

 

*MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

 

*MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

bed instead.

 

*BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise

At 3:00am .

 

*BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze

cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

you got here, and where you've come from.

 

*TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

 

*TRAMP STAMP

Tattoo on a female

*PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's

got 4 buttocks

[Admin Jaap]

:lol:

 

Love this stuff! Keep it coming

[pasotibbs]

Funny music vid (well I thought it was funny)

 

[tikkanen]

New Words for 2008

 

*SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

 

*TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

 

*BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

project failed, and who was responsible.

 

*SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

screwed and die.

 

*SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

with the kids or start a 'home business'.

 

*SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

 

*AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

 

*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get itto work again.

 

*ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and

file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless

paperwork and processes.

 

*404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not

Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

 

*AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

*OH-NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just

made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

 

*GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

 

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who

works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges

displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show

their level of training.

 

*MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from

the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

 

*MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

 

*MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

 

*MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

bed instead.

 

*BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise

At 3:00am .

 

*BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze

cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

you got here, and where you've come from.

 

*TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

 

*TRAMP STAMP

Tattoo on a female

*PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's

got 4 buttocks

 

Crackin'! Made my day. Still giggling....

[tikkanen]

Funny music vid (well I thought it was funny)

 

 

 

Not for the faint hearted.....

 

Wonder if the band will ever make it in the States? Imagine all "parential supervision", "contains foul language" stickers and what have you on the covers.....

 

Cheers

Søren

[v50man]

This silly email came to me this morning:

 

Strange Dear Abby Letter

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I'm a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, recently diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My parents live in Fort Worth. They were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana.

They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

 

I have two brothers — one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the 1994 murder of a teenage boy;

my other brother's currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

 

I've recently become engaged to a former prostitute who lives in Longview.

She is a part time 'working girl'.

 

All things considered, my problem is this —

I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family.

I want to be totally open and honest with her.

 

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

 

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[gavo]

And yes my father was a scotsman

GOLF PANTIES

 

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends

over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt

up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any

skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and

says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and

buy yourself some underwear.'

 

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball

on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,

too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the

sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some

underwear!'

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes

her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta

be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,

fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....

Tidy yerself up a bit.

[Guzzi2Go]

[belfastguzzi]

I've just seen The Onion's headline from a while ago:

 

 

 

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job