THE OFFICIAL LIST OF MANLAWS

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

THE OFFICIAL LIST OF MANLAWS

 

 

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

 

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

 

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

 

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

 

© After wrecking your boss's car.

 

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

 

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

 

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

 

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

 

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

 

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

 

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

 

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

 

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing

 

 

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

 

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

 

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

 

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

 

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

 

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

 

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

 

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

 

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

 

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talkin about his choice of beer.

 

 

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

 

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

 

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

 

( C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

 

© Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

 

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

 

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

 

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

 

Hang up if necessary.

 

 

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

 

have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

 

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

 

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

 

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

 

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

 

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

 

 

 

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

 

 

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

 

 

We hope this clears up any confusion,

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

The International Council of Manlaws

[antonio carroccio]

[gargoyle]

THE OFFICIAL LIST OF MANLAWS

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

We hope this clears up any confusion,

 

Sincerely,

 

The International Council of Manlaws

 

Well I was doing real good up until #26. I admit that I do own an orange car but it is a Focus SVT and that color was only an SVT color. I wonder if there is a special dispensation for that color on a performance model?

[Admin Jaap]

Reminds me...

 

A guy comes home late and drunk:"Woman, you have a headache?"

 

"No, why?"

 

"Then we're having sex, now!"

[badmotogoozer]

Abide!

 

Rj

[v50man]

Well I was doing real good up until #26. I admit that I do own an orange car but it is a Focus SVT and that color was only an SVT color. I wonder if there is a special dispensation for that color on a performance model?

 

Not only is special dispensation granted -- but this MANLAW has officially been withdrawn.

 

You see, I LOVE the burnt orange that is currently enjoying a surge in popularity. And the redneck that resides deep within me craves the Lime Green Charger!

 

And, wasn't every other Capri in the 70s -- BROWN!

 

Aside from this, the MANLAWS are essential to a healthy and honest life!!!!!!!!

[Martin Barrett]

Whats this umbrella thing that's mentioned on rule 1?

 

I then thought of golfing umbrellas. How do you hold it when taking a swing/shot? You can't so why bother having one in the first place?

 

No need for a man to have an umbrella let alone share one. A tight neck on your coat and if you've long hair you can wear a hat. Unless you have to wear a suit then I suppose does away with the coat thing and only alternative is an umbrella - I hate them and Gerogi Markov wasn't a fan either.

[Tom M]

Well I was doing real good up until #26. I admit that I do own an orange car but it is a Focus SVT and that color was only an SVT color. I wonder if there is a special dispensation for that color on a performance model?

 

I'm with you on this Gargoyle. The coolest car that I ever owned was orange. Just like this but it had a 383 instead of a hemi and no wings. Air grabber, pistol grip, strobe stripe, etc. Wish I never sold it...

 

[Frenchbob]

Starsky and Hutch?

 

I rest my case.

[g.forrest]

try as i may i can not agree with 4. and men don't drive cars they drive trucks..

and martins right. no self respecting virile man should own an umbrella..

and best that car gone. orange or not.. AGW you know!

[Tom M]

Starsky and Hutch?

 

I rest my case.

 

Yes it looked a bit Starsky and Hutch but in 1977 when I was 19 years old it was a VERY cool car. I couldn't see myself driving one very often now but it would be worth quite a bit of $$ these days.

[Frenchbob]

Yes it looked a bit Starsky and Hutch but in 1977 when I was 19 years old it was a VERY cool car. I couldn't see myself driving one very often now but it would be worth quite a bit of $$ these days.

 

That was a bit rude: sorry. What I was driving aged 19 leaves me with little room to scoff! Come to think of it, I would drive one of these, now!

[richard100t]

Yes it looked a bit Starsky and Hutch but in 1977 when I was 19 years old it was a VERY cool car. I couldn't see myself driving one very often now but it would be worth quite a bit of $$ these days.

Wasnt the Starsky & Hutch car a Ford Torino or some such Ford?

Wasnt it red as well, & not orange?