Dog and Cat Diary

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

As seen in a dog's diary:

 

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

 

 

 

As seen in a cat's diary:

 

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

[Frenchbob]

Serge's diary:

 

8.10am: It got light; humped a hen, crowed

8.11am: Humped another hen, crowed

etc, until..........

8.30: Food arrived, hens' attention elsewhere - humped them all, crowed, then turned my attention to THE CAT. Ha ha, you think you're a philosopher or something, do you, sunshine; if you were a bit closer I'd give you a proper doing over, so f**k you and the pathetic, geriatric mouse you "caught"........hang on, hen not paying attention!.........crowed

8.35: humped some hens, crowed for five minutes

8.41: crowed, humped a hen................

 

The rest of the diary has been omitted as it is largely a repeat of the above.

[badmotogoozer]

Serge is my hero.

 

Rj

[dlaing]

Serge is my hero.

 

Rj

Long Live Serge!

Too bad he can't vote...

[DeBenGuzzi]

I do say we need more pictures of serge, he's almost like a unoffical mascot these days.

[Frenchbob]

Some time ago you asked me for pîctures of Serge in a sidecar. In the course of attempting to comply with this request I almost lost an eye and a good friend [the outfit's owner] and Serge definitely lost his temper [not an unusual state of affairs: the other day he got irritated by a dove which kept stealing the hens' grain. Next time I looked in, no dove, just a large number of white feathers and a little blood on the ground].

 

This request, however, is an easier one, and as soon as I come back from England [week after next] I'll post some.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

How to bath a cat

 

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

 

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

 

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

 

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely,

The DOG

[Frenchbob]

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT:

 

Steps 1 through 6 as per the Dog's method

 

Step 7: find a very heavy object and place on toilet lid

 

Step 8: go and hump some hens

 

Step 9: er, that's it!

 

 

 

SERGE

[Guest Nogbad]

I seriously dislike cats. Great thread Jim.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

I am beginning to understand the bond between Frenchbob and Serge ......

 

 

[Admin Jaap]

I do say we need more pictures of serge, he's almost like a unoffical mascot these days.

Go to the top of the page and refresh it...

[Frenchbob]

I am beginning to understand the bond between Frenchbob and Serge ......

 

 

 

I never wanted a cockerel, actually. I arranged to buy some point-of-lay hens from a friend when we first came here, and was told that I could have the hens if I took a young cockerel with them. I thought this strange at the time - most people eat their surplus cocks, but further probing elicited only the information that he had been called "Little Bastard" for most of his short life.

 

The learning curve began there.

 

His previous guardians never got close enough to trim his flight feathers, and I certainly haven't tried: our flock is free for most of the day and need to be able to escape from foxes and the like......but I wouldn't survive the encounter anyway.

 

My point is, Jim, that he flies, usually going in low and hard.

 

You be careful up there!

[Alex-Corsa]

I seriously dislike cats. Great thread Jim.

 

I seriously like cats ,have 2 of them and I find some posts here just plain bul$h**t , Cats surpace the IQ of a dog by miles, they only need high IQ people to understand them and they are more independent, that's all .All th love they get they give it back for sure.Definatelly some dogs are intelligent too , and can get easier-closer friendhips with the boss.

I like dogs too , as long as they are Bull Terriers.

just lovable.My next pet purhase

[pete roper]

I seriously like cats ,have 2 of them and I find some posts here just plain bul$h**t

 

There are cat people and dog people and never the twain shall meet! I personally detest dogs with their slobbering, obsequious, slavisness punctuated by bursts of skin shredding, opportunistic, violence. I wage a constant vendetta with dog owners who walk their scabby pooches past my corner where the loathsome curs always cut the corner through my property and stop for a sh!t on the way through.

 

When I was working from home I sometimes kept a crucible filled with ball bearings heated by a butane torch handy as one of my ex-neighbors had a continually roaming cur. A nearly red-hot ball bearing fired from a shanghai with a steel yoke and a band made out of bicycle inner-tube and a leather sling right up its chuff a couple of times eventually got it to get the message. It's memory was so short though that within weeks it was back for a second helping. Just as well I don't have a gun, eh?

 

We have two cats both of whom are monumentally dim. They're called Stupid and Useless which says it all really

 

Pete

[docc]

 

I wage a constant vendetta with dog owners who walk their scabby pooches past my corner .

 

 

A nearly red-hot ball bearing fired from a shanghai with a steel yoke and a band made out of bicycle inner-tube and a leather sling right up its chuff a couple of times eventually got it to get the message. It's memory was so short though that within weeks it was back for a second helping.

 

Pete

 

This method works much better on the dogs themselves as their Pavlovian responses seem much more intact than those of the owners .

 

The dog's chuff may require a bit better aim to nail equivocally.