Guzzi2Go Posted May 3, 2010 Author Share Posted May 3, 2010 Squirell asks bear: - Bear, do you have haselnuts? - No. - Bear, do you have haselnuts? - NO! - Bear, do you have haselnuts? - NO! Ask me again and I'll nail you to a tree! - Bear, do you have nails? - No. - Bear, do you have haselnuts? ... Link to comment
Guzzi2Go Posted May 20, 2010 Author Share Posted May 20, 2010 Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,everything inside is numbered.' The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. Link to comment
tikkanen Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass." 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Link to comment
Van Posted August 17, 2010 Share Posted August 17, 2010 Thought that this about sums it all up! Cheers Van Link to comment
tikkanen Posted September 2, 2010 Share Posted September 2, 2010 Church Ladies With typewriters . . . Now these are funny!!! They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. . Link to comment
tikkanen Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 An actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF,. Link to comment
jrt Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 A red ship and a blue ship have a mid-ocean collision. The ships sank, but the crews were marooned. Link to comment
jrt Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 Descriptions of...well, you'll get it. By the way, these work great on employment evaluation forms. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter. Link to comment
Guzzi2Go Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 Vive la France! French anyone? Legendary quotes on France 'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.' Mark Twain ------------ --------- --------- 'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.' General George S. Patton ------------ --------- --------- 'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.' Norman Schwarzkopf ------------ --------- --------- 'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.' Marge Simpson ------------ --------- --------- 'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.' Jacques Chirac, President of France ------------ --------- --------- 'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.' Regis Philbin ------------ --------- --------- 'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.' John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona ------------ --------- --------- 'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.' David Letterman ------------ --------- --------- 'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.' Ted Nugent ------------ --------- --------- 'War without France would be like…...World War II.' Unknown ------------ --------- --------- 'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France .'' Tom Brokaw ------------ --------- --------- 'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?' Dennis Miller ------------ --------- --------- 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.' Alan Kent ------------ --------- -------- 'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.' Argus Hamilton ------------ --------- --------- 'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'' Rep. Roy Blunt, MO ------------ --------- -------- 'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq ' Dennis Miller ------------ --------- --------- Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur? ------------ --------- -------- 'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.' Rep. R. Blount, MO ------------ --------- --------- 'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.' John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv ------------ --------- --------- French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris , March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists. Link to comment
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