Jokes

[John in Leeds]

New Zealand and Landrover Sheep Joke

 

 

A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should

try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know

when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

 

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

 

'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon

returning home, falls knackered into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[Admin Jaap]

Really bad excuse: "Sorry... I can't make it. I'm in Bangkok at my father-in-law's 23th birthday party"

[antonio carroccio]

New Zealand and Landrover Sheep Joke

[John in Leeds]

Chinese sick leave:

 

 

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

 

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

 

 

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

[Fritz]

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

 

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

[gstallons]

These two lawyers were standing around the bar having a drink after a days work. This RED HOT girl walked by and one lawyer said "I sure would like to f**k her". The other responded ,"out of how much" ?

[Ralph Werner]

A man calls home and another man answers.

 

"Who are you?" asks the husband.

 

"I'm the maintenance man".

 

"Where's my wife?"

 

"Upstairs in bed with some guy"

 

"I can't believe it! Listen, get a large pipe, knock them both out cold and dump their bodies in the backyard pool so it looks like an accident. I'll make it worth your while".

 

The husband hears some thuds and then more thuds. Suddenly the voice comes back on the Phone.

 

Maintenance man: "Hey, there isn't any pool in the backyard"

 

Husband: "Wait - is this 465-3009?"

[John in Leeds]

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

 

They were all good though

[John in Leeds]

The Australian Way ?

 

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. (I'm told)

 

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

 

It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

 

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

 

The outgoing message was as follows:

 

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

 

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

 

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

 

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

 

To complain about what we do - Press 3

 

To swear at staff members - Press 4

 

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

 

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

 

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

 

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

 

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

 

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

 

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

[luhbo]

The Australian Way ? .....

 

Not at all. Same here. There was an interesting article last week in one of the bigger weekly newspapers, calling them "Helicopter Parents" as they hover over their f$%#ng breed all the f$%#ng time. And they had a name for a rapidly growing subgroup of these as$%#s : "Black Hawk Parents". Guess why

 

Hubert

[Van]

An old biker rolls into a small Nevada town in the middle of no where, and finds a bar at the edge of town. He parks his bike and walks into the bar. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 

COLD BEER: $4.00

HAMBURGER: $4.25

CHEESEBURGER: $4.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $5.00

HAND JOB: $50.00

 

Checking his wallet to make sure he's got the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 

She glides over to the ole biker, "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

 

The old biker clears his dry throat, swallows hard, and leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

 

She looks into his eyes, smiles that knowing smile at him and purrs, "Why yes, handsome, I sure am".

 

The old biker leans closer and whispers softly into her ear, "Well,......wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheesburger and a beer"

 

Cheers

Van

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.

 

The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got his wish.

 

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

 

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

 

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[gstallons]

I hate "blonde jokes" but this is funny.

The blonde girl calls 911 to report that her house is on fire.

Dispatch responds with the typical "how do we get there?".

There is silence, then the blonde responds.."HELLOOOOO, THE F***ING RED TRUCK!

[gstallons]

And for the bucolic only..

What are the last four words you will hear from every redneck? "Hey y'all watch this!".

[gstallons]

This is VERY rude....

what does a 14 yr. old girl in Ky say when she wakes up in the morning? "Roll over daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes".