Jokes

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

those Honda riders will do anything to drag attention to them

 

 

:D :D

[macguzzi]

That suicide bomber is a bit obvious

[Ralph Werner]

He thinks a crash helmet is gonna help??

[luhbo]

Just to make sure his head will break this wall...

[Guzzi2Go]

He thinks a crash helmet is gonna help??

Helmet is required by law. Otherwise police would stop him.

[John in Leeds]

Helmet is required by law. Otherwise police would stop him.

 

 

Haaaaaa Haaaaaaaaa

[jersey]

LOL................

[antonio carroccio]

<_>

[Guzzi2Go]

How does Blonde make jam?

 

She peels a doughnut.

[mdude]

Bought myself a french armyknife the other day.

Turned out it contained nothing but a white flag

and a corkscrew...

[Guzzi2Go]

Commercial CANAL+

[gstallons]

I wonder if it would work for me?

[NakedV]

Gordon Brown In Heaven

 

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies.

 

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

 

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.' 'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

 

'I'm sorry . But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

 

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink,

'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!'

 

'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly. 'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

 

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

 

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

 

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

 

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

 

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

 

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

 

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

 

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

 

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate

 

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

 

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.

 

'I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

 

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,

'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!'

[gstallons]

This crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran church one weekday morning and is greeted by the church secretary.

"can I help you sir" ?

"You sure as hell can, I want to join this Damn Church" the old man replies.

"I"m sorry I must have misunderstood you,what did you just say"? Replied the secretary.

" You heard me,I want to join this damn church" ! Shouted the old man.

The secretary said "Sir I will be right back".

The secretary went to get the pastor. As they were returning the pastor assured the secretary any language like that would not be tolerated.

The pastor was very cordial to the old man and said" Sir, can I help you.What seems to be the problem"?

The old man responded swearing and hollering "There is no damn problem. I just won $200 million in the lottery and I want to join this damn church and give some of my money to the church"!

"I see" said the Pastor. "So is this bitch giving you a hard time" ?

[gavo]

WANTED ASSISTANT GYNECOLOGIST

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

 

Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

 

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's

examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

 

'Oh, is that where the job is?'

 

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'